Iris & Eve by Kelly Crist

Author:Kelly Crist [Crist, Kelly]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-12-15T16:00:00+00:00

Roe,

I’ve got Mia back. And I’ve got Ezra, Justin, and Steve, too. I wish so desperately that you could meet them. I don’t even know if you would like them, but I like to think you would. I like to think they would’ve fit right in, growing our group by three. I want to know what those interactions would’ve been like, what you could’ve dragged out of them that I can’t.

I think I know another reason why it’s bothering me so much that you aren’t here, that death is so final and static, why when I make moves in the right direction, I fall backwards.

You can’t make new friends or have a career or get married or go skydiving like you’d always dreamed about. It feels wrong that I can do all of those things without you. It feels wrong that you can’t become inextricably tied to their lives like you are to mine. It’s incongruous and wrong. There’s an empty space there, between what is real and what should be.

Should be.

At least three separate people told me that things happen for a reason at your memorial service and it felt like the kind of bullshit that you say when there’s nothing else to say. And I still believe that, but there’s something to it. Something to the hope of it.

I’m realizing there’s nothing I can change, nothing except me.

I’m just scared. I’m scared that if I change and let go, I’ll forget. I’ll forget those summer nights we sat on the back deck and you’d drink alcohol you snuck from god knows where and we’d talk and wait for Mom and Dad and Grams to finish hashing out whatever argument they’d started. I’ll forget when you drove an hour and a half longer than anyone else for a boring high school art show. I’ll forget what it’s like to have a brother who spends all of his time trying to irritate the hell out of you until it matters and then he has your back harder than anyone else.

I already don’t remember your face. Or your voice. Or how you laughed.

How much is there to lose?

Why is death only the beginning of the loss? Why isn’t it the end?

Eve

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